Breaking in new shoes – It doesn’t matter what kind of shoe it is, my feet will suffer for the first 10 times I wear them.
Untucked sheets – I despise a rat’s nest pile of sheets and blankets on my bed. In a perfect world, my Mom would drive to my house every night and securely tuck me into bed as tight as possible like she did when I was a child, and I would sleep so, so beautifully. I realize that this is not only impossible but would also be extremely unsettling for everyone involved, so I am only going to ask that the top sheet be tucked in at the bottom of the bed. Not even the side! (I would prefer a nice hospital corner, but I can live without it.) Just the bottom, just to keep it straight, just to keep it from wrapping itself around my legs and getting tangled all over. Just so I don’t wake up freezing with a tiny fraction of my body covered by a corner – A CORNER! A DIAGONAL! – piece of random sheet while the rest is shoved under and around my husband’s trunk and limbs. Is that so hard? Is it? Michael, I am asking you, is that so hard?
Being asked for advice and then the person does the exact opposite of what you advised.
Snobbiness – Look, you are a human being. I don’t care how beautiful you are, how educated you are or how much money you have. You still eat, breathe, fart and poop. I bet you have picked your nose, and slipped on the ice, and fallen up a flight of stairs. You are not perfectly amazing all of the fucking time. Don’t try to pretend that you are above all of the rest of us “other” human beings. You may be privileged, but that only means that you should be MORE humble, more understanding, more grateful and a lot less assholey.
When people have strong opinions about issues that will never impact them and that they have no experience with.
Baseball on TV – I love going to games, hate watching them at home.
Air travel – Hello anxiety!
Reckless or risky driving – It just isn’t fun for me. Not in any vessel, car, boat, snowmobile… no. I do not want to slide around, spin in circles, jump things. No thank you.
Blind compliance – Ask questions. Research. Look at all sides. Don’t be a sheep.
Obnoxious drunks in public (in private settings I’m far more tolerant.)
Worrying – I am super good at this one. Especially at night, especially about unlikely health situations concerning my kids. Like my latest obsession over dry-drowning. Which brings me to…
The fact that my mind jumps immediately to worst case scenario – I cannot believe that Truman’s slight cough and low grade fever may just be a virus. Instead, I convince myself that he is absolutely dry drowning from his swimming experience 36 hours prior to the onset of symptoms and proceed to stay up all night watching him breathe and furiously Googling the likelihood that this is in fact the case.
Crying when I’m actually angry – I have done this for my whole life and have yet to figure out how to be pissed off without also being really sad.
Racism, sexism, inequality etc. – It all just sucks and if you are part of this problem, please stop.
When adults make fun of or dismiss kids’ feelings – They are brand new to this whole life thing. Can we give them a few years to figure shit out? I mean, I’m 35 and still can’t make heads or tails out of most of my emotions, why would a 5 year old be able to?
Know-it-alls and One uppers – Shut. Up.
Towels mixed with clothes in the washer – My husband can attest to the fact that this sends me into an absolute rage.
The “Pill for Everything” mindset – Medication has it’s place, but not everything calls for meds. Really. I promise.
Mommy War bullshit – Gross. Do you. I’ll do me.
Having to go to the store after you are already home for the night – This is the worst.
Bras – No, this is actually the worst.
Greed – Look, at some point enough should be enough. If you already own 1,000 luxury cars, do you really need 6,000 more? When you think about the fact that 1 Bentley costs around $300,000 which is about 6 times what the average American makes in an entire year, the mere idea of someone having 7,000 of them while people in the world literally die of starvation turns my stomach. Yes, it is your money, yes you can do with it what you want… but just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
People who refuse to apologize – You know you were a dick. Say you’re sorry.
A day of shopping when NOTHING fits – Or it fits but is horribly priced. Or it fits and is on sale but it is the last one and has a hole in it. Or it fits, is inexpensive, in perfect condition and you realize that you forgot all methods of payment at home.
Spilling shit on my shirt – and this happens almost every day.
Car trouble – The. Worst.