I am a member of a bunch of different groups on Facebook. Some are for parenting, some for lifestyle choices, some for hobbies. Today in one of my groups, someone posted the following question:
What is your skin care routine?
After taking a moment to remember what the phrase, “skin care” means, I literally laughed out loud at the thought of my “routine.”
I read one or two comments about scrubs, toners, creams, steams and oils before stopping because it took everything in me to not answer her question with brutal honesty and ruin what will probably turn out to be a wonderfully informative thread.
The good news for me, is that you all come here willingly and not so much to seek advice, but more to laugh
at me with me. So, I want to share my “Skin Care Routine” with you all instead of with those lovely women who have daily, weekly and monthly facial routines incorporating twenty seven products.
- Wash with whatever soap is in the shower – could be Everyone Soap, could be Irish Spring, could be the tiny sample bottle of face wash from Ipsy that I would never actually buy full-sized. Sometimes, there is no soap at all and I have to scream for someone to bring it to me from the kitchen sink where one of my boys last got a bath.
- Wash rapidly and furiously with my hands because chances are, I have forgotten to grab a washcloth and I am also running late.
- Upon exiting the shower, I vigorously rub my face dry with my bath towel, effectively smearing the eyeliner and mascara that I put on three days ago, all over the place. This is make-up that has slowly been coming off over the last three showers since I do not own an appropriate make-up remover, and wouldn’t remember to use it if I did.
- I wipe off the smears of make-up with a bit of coconut oil, so any remaining gunk is confined to my lids and lashes. Days one and two post application, this gives the illusion that I have applied new make-up, just in lighter and smudgier amounts than previous days. By day four, all of the residual eye make up is gone, leaving me clean faced for the next two days until I get fancy again on the weekend.
After working all day, I return home and proceed to layer on the following products, in any given order:
- Various moisturizing, sometimes too-hot cooking oils, straight from the pan
- Aromatic garlic and or pasta steam
- Spritzes and splashes of multiple condiments
- Applesauce and or yogurt from the baby’s hands
- Spittle and cough spray from any number of my children who simply refuse to cover their mouths
- Snot from a perfectly timed child sneeze
- Dish soap, laundry soap or hand soap bubbles from my own hands while I attempt to push hair off of my face while washing things (other than my face)
- Commit fifteen minutes to doing a real hair-line to neck make-up job, and then marvel at how lovely I can be when I have a tiny amount of time and give a tiny amount of shit.
- Slather coconut oil all over face, neck and chest in the attempt to heal numerous gouges and scratch marks from Razor Claws, AKA my one year old.
- Pluck random (and very sexy) facial hairs that show up on my upper lip, neck and chin.
- Take note of how red my face gets while angry, sad, or after drinking two glasses of wine.
- Examine and despair over the size of my pores
- Ponder and then stress over the dry bumpy patches on my cheeks (Skin cancer? Eczema? Allergic reaction to cooking oils?)
- Pull my skin all around in an attempt to smooth out the wrinkles around my eyes and mouth and forehead
- Declare war and attempt to pick and pop every blemish or bump I see or imagine
- Estimate how many years it will be before I have time for an actual skin care routine, and wonder if seventy is too old to start?