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Ok. Here is the story. I have a 1998 Nissan Maxima. I drove Maxi for years all over Las Vegas with absolutely no problem. We had adventures. She listened to me complain, sing, yell at other drivers and she put up with my bad dancing. She was patient and understanding through an extended Eminem phase, a six month Adele obsession and Mumford and Sons on repeat for an entire year. She took me through many Starbucks drive-thrus. She never yelled at me for throwing Egg McMuffin wrappers on her floor. She kept me cool in the summer and warm in the winter. We even napped together at lunch time.

Then one day she got hot and bothered and blew her radiator. I forgave her and replaced the radiator, so I thought we were back on good ground. I drove Maxi for a few more weeks before she one day refused to start, leaving my husband stranded in the parking lot of Albertson’s. He called a tow truck, and while he was waiting for it to arrive, Maxi (being the tricky bitch she is) changed her mind and started right up. He cancelled the tow truck.

I had a long, loooong talk with Maxi and she promised to behave. She did for awhile, but she soon started acting out again. Starting one day, not starting later that day… our trust in her was shaken. We decided we didn’t want to put a lot of money into her since we bought a minivan which was now our primary vehicle. Then we decided to move to Michigan. It was not worth it for us to repair Maxi or continue to pay insurance and renew her plates when we would never drive two separate vehicles all of the way to Michigan anyway. So, we gave up on Maxi. We pulled her insurance, did not renew her plates and finally, we decided to sell her. Then, I forgot to actually try to sell her. Day after day, Maxi sat in the driveway glaring at me. I tried to explain, but she refused to listen. I’m hurt, she’s hurt… it has been difficult for all of us.

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Now, we desperately need Maxi to move on. We are leaving in three weeks! She’s hanging out in the driveway, sullen and bitter. I can’t say for sure, but she may have developed a drinking problem. I am beginning to worry that she’ll hurt the new van; and he is younger and softer hearted than she. I love her and I do feel guilty, but the bottom line is that I must take care of my family first. I know that Maxi will find happiness with a new family, if someone would just give her a chance. I’ve listed her a number of times and been asked many questions, so I’m going to give you the answers to the most frequently asked:

– Maxi does not have engine trouble. No oil leaks, no smoke, no fire, no thumping, clicking or trouble shifting.

– Maxi has 150,000 miles. Nissans run forever. She’s got a lot of life left.

– No dents and no body damage, but her paint (like every gold Nissan Maxima I’ve ever seen) is peeling and faded.

– Air conditioning works and so does the heat.

– She cannot fly.

– You can jump the battery and she will start. And run.

– Her interior is cracked, has tears and is ugly. This is why they make seat covers. I even have a new one I will include.

– She does not make pancakes.

–  In the lowest condition available on Kelley Blue Book’s site, this car is worth $1800. We are asking $1200. I will take any reasonable offer.

– I have the title. No wait time, no funny business.

– She has a brand new radio/cd player with an auxiliary cord. It is awesome.

– Radiator has three weeks of drive time on it.

– I will not take a $500,000 check from your Nigerian Grandmother’s bank account and give you the change after keeping $10,000 for myself. Cash. Only. In. Person.

– This is a great first car for your son or daughter. Trust me, you do not want to buy your teen a nice, shiny, brand new car. They will not appreciate it, and they will definitely mess it up. Let them learn on an old, safe girl like Maxi. Insurance will be reasonable too!

– Do not make an offer until you come to see her. I also am not holding her for you until you can bring your brother, sister-in-law or priest over.

– She doesn’t really have an alcohol problem. I made that up for sympathy. I think…

The first person that makes me a reasonable offer and has cash in hand will get to take Maxi home.

If you can find it in your heart to love an old girl with a lot of spunk, a bit of an attitude and some funky paint, please for Maxi’s sake… come take her home. I don’t want her to see us leave for Michigan without her. She’s been good for me. We just have different paths now.