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I keep reading all of these “Rules For Facebook” or “Ten Things Not To Post On Facebook” or  “Eight Reasons All Of Your Facebook Friends Hate You.” And all of this makes me continuously appalled by how asshole-y people can be. I decided to write my own rules for Facebook. If you want to be my friend, you better pay attention.

1. Post as many pictures of your kids and stories about them as you want.

They are adorable, they are funny, they are your greatest accomplishment and your pride and joy. Honestly, keeping people you love up to date on your kids may be the main reason you have a Facebook account. If you want to post sixteen pictures a day of that tiny dictator – or if you have well behaved children – tiny miracle; post away! If I get tired of seeing your precious pumpkin’s face, I can always unfollow you or unfriend you, because I have the problem, not you. (I won’t though, because I love the babies. All of your babies, I love them.)

2. Post your wedding photos as many times as you’d like, for as many anniversaries as you’d like.

It was a huge day. It was a life changing, beautiful, immensely important event. There is a severe lack of love in this world, so if you found it, flaunt it. If I decide that your marriage and love life is more than I can stomach, I can always unfollow you or unfriend you because I have the problem, not you. (I won’t though, because I love all the love!)

3. Post your funny stories, your work place drama, injuries, sicknesses, your relationship ups and downs, your family issues.

Things happen in our lives and sometimes we have no one close by to unload on. I may have a husband that I can torture with all of my bitching and horror, but not everyone has such a lucky individual. (Right Babe?) Sometimes, we do have people around but they don’t understand what we are going through and we need specialized advice. Humans need to share with other humans. Is it always appropriate? No. Are there things that should remain private? Of course. Do we sometimes share something that later we wished we hadn’t? Absolutely. The bottom line is, if it makes you feel better to air the dirty laundry, call someone out, and release your frustrations; than go for it.  If I decide that your drama is too annoying to deal with, I can always unfollow you or unfriend you. You may have the problems, but it is my choice to stay and be influenced by those problems.

4. Post your judgmental parenting comments, fear-mongering media, smart assed memes, inflammatory debate articles, racist and sexist cartoons, religious and political hatred, and all of the other close-minded beliefs you have.

Throw that shit up there for all of your friends, the like minded and differing as well, to see. I actually appreciate this because it shows me exactly who I know and who I only thought I knew. It shows me who is, (whether they realize it or not) judging my lifestyle and what I believe in. While you are busy judging everyone out there for having differing values, I’m judging you right back for your lack of tolerance, ignorance and lack of ability to think for yourself. Knowing your true feelings gives me the upper hand if I ever have to deal with you in person, (though most of you would never actually say to my face the things you feel so brave posting on Facebook.) It also really levels out the respect field for me. While hurtful and surprising at times, I’d rather know if someone I (used to) respect has hatred for others based on their skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or financial status. I want to know who believes that their ideas about how I should raise my children are more important than my own. If it starts to take too much of a toll on me, I can always unfollow you or unfriend you. You may be a total and complete douche, but it is my choice to keep you in my life and subject myself to your arrogance. (Sometimes, I keep people just for the free entertainment.)

5. Post your product party invites, the monthly specials, home made goods, and any other information about your business.

This shows me that you are working, trying hard, and passionate about something. I will probably not buy anything from you because we have a fairly tight budget and I am loyal to one or two friends who sell specific stuff, but post away! I am all for someone trying to better themselves financially, finding a product they believe in and trying to help me better my life. If the invites start to become overwhelming, I can always unfollow you or unfriend you. (I really won’t unfriend or unfollow you, but I may quietly decline your party invitation. It would be silly not to if I am not going to purchase anything!)

So, you see Facebook friends; we can only be hurt or bothered or annoyed by something if we allow it. If you truly hate something someone is doing on social media, get rid of them! If I do something that bothers you, like show you 17,000 photos of my sons being awesome, please unfriend me. I would much prefer you get rid of me than roll your eyes at my beautiful kids every time they pop up on your feed. Stop being pissed off about what other people do with their accounts, and take control of your own. You’ll be happier, they’ll be happier (or totally confused why you are no longer their friend) and then we can all stop making up rules. Agreed?

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