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Dear GVS Owners Association,

I received the courtesy notice you sent, complete with the photo of my front yard, in the mail yesterday. I automatically assumed it was because someone heard the insane amount of screaming and crying coming from my home and imagined I was doing something sinister to one of my children, but no! It was because I apparently have too many “weeds through out the landscape.”

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I must say, I am surprised for a number of reasons. The first being that an owner’s association even exists, given that I’ve lived in this house for 18 months and have never heard a thing from or about you all. I have never even seen you out and about with your clipboard taking notes and snapping photos of people’s yards and houses. (That is a creepy past time, by the way. I no longer feel comfortable walking through the living room naked while screaming, “where’s my bra.” Thanks a lot.) I have lived with obnoxious HOA’s in the past and they are easily spotted writing tickets for burnt out decorative light bulbs and gum wrappers on the sidewalk. They are always on patrol. Your association must use ninjas!

Anyway, yes I am aware that we have a few small weeds in our front yard. I am also SHOCKED that anyone would consider this amount of foliage a problem, or even notice it at all. In fact, these weeds would be in the acceptable range for “leftovers” after having yard work done. If I was passing by my home, my first thought would not be, “Oh my God! Look at those weeds!” (It would probably be, “Why is that child screaming so loud?” or, “Why is there a plump naked lady wandering around the living room and what is she searching for?”) I have taken a few more photos so you can see just how unsightly these weeds truly are.

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My front yard, covered in weeds. It is truly a jungle.

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The dastardly weeds up close.

Present? Yes. Unsightly or in any way damaging to the community? Um, no. I will have the weeds taken care of, but probably not in the next week or even two. My husband and I work full time and have two children two and under. We do not have the time to pick miniscule weeds out of the rocks nightly, and to be honest, we have better things to do on the weekends. Like having fun with our kids and preventing them from tearing this house down board by board. For this reason, we hire someone to come clean and groom our yard as needed. In my opinion it is not yet needed. I am not going to pay someone $100 to haul over their equipment, which will now need to include a magnifying glass, and walk around the yard for fifteen minutes picking ten weeds only to do it all again in two weeks. I will have them do the work when there is enough work to warrant spending $100. If you would like to pick my weeds yourself for free or pay for someone else to pick ten weeds, then you are more than welcome to do so. Otherwise, kindly keep your panties un-bunched and wait until my weeds are visible to the naked eye like most normal people do.

I have a few suggestions for other ways you can fill your time while waiting for my weeds to actually become an issue:

– Talk to the kids next door to me about having loud parties mid-week. They are super sweet guys in their early twenties, and are enjoying their lives. Squash their joy immediately, my kids go to bed at 8:00.

– Please locate the man who burns wood all year long in his fireplace, and let him know he lives in Las Vegas for Christ’s sake! I love a good wood fire as much as the next girl, but I think this person must be burning drywall or construction materials (possibly bodies?) given the way my entire house smells all.night.every.night. We wake up coughing, my sheets actually smell like smoke, and I constantly crave s’mores. If my son suddenly starts singing Kumbaya, I’m going to start looking for this guy myself. If I liked camping, I would go camping.

– Send a notice to the garbage men and ask them to please clean up after they spill half of the trash cans into the street on garbage day. My weeds are unsightly enough, I don’t need the neighbor’s toilet paper and beer cans all over the driveway too.

– Have a discussion with the assholes who let their dogs roam around off leash, darting around the streets and making it impossible to safely walk my own dog on a leash. Also the ones who leave their dogs outside all day and night to bark and bark and bark. Also the ones whose dogs show up at my door randomly and pick fights with other dogs in the neighborhood. Please send out notices to the dog owners who let their dog shit on my driveway, then pick it up in a baggie but leave the baggie in my driveway. Surely these people are more of a danger to the community than my weeds?

– Can you find the people who purposely allow their cats to roam free and pee all over everything? Aside from being gross and putting them in danger of being run over, they are a threat to the beautiful sickly looking pigeons that fly around crapping on everything.

– Finally, maybe talk to the fine community home owners who drive 60 miles per hour up and down the street making me fear for my son’s safety while we walk to the mail box. I’m tired of being on extreme high alert while carrying in my groceries.

Again, my weeds will be taken care of soon. Plus, we are moving in three weeks, so you won’t have to deal with us anymore anyway. It seems you are quite bored, so for your sake, I hope the new tenants walk around naked outside of the house, make moonshine in the garage, have family members live in an RV in the driveway, and decide to put an above ground pool out front. Now, that should keep you busy.

Best Regards,

The Tenants at 77

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