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After my post about sister-wives yesterday, the following Facebook comment was left from a friend of my sister’s:

Are applications being accepted for a brother-husband? YOU’RE DOIN’ IT WRONG (edited for punctuation)

Well, it made me laugh and instantly made me think about all of the reasons I do not want or need a brother-husband in my life. Polyandry, the practice of one woman having multiple husbands, is quite rare. There are a few regions and times in the world that this has happened or does happen, usually because of high male mortality or scarcity of land. It was once easiest to marry brothers off to one wife to keep from dividing a family’s land. If it had to be divided between multiple families, the plots would get smaller and smaller and become unsustainable. Something tells me that it has been the women who have put the kibosh on this practice no matter how it was presented to them. In my own circles, I don’t know of one woman (correct me if I’m wrong ladies!) who is longing to have a second husband. Here are my reasons for not having a brother-husband:

1. The Volume

My ears can barely handle poker night once a week. When my husband gets around his friends, not only do they laugh loudly, talk loudly, and yell to each other while sitting right next to each other; they also have the T.V. blaring and the radio on. It seems that it can never be loud enough for my husband. If he had a brother-husband, I would need hearing aids. Then I would need to keep them turned off all of the time.

2. The Housekeeping

My husband helps out around the house. He does dishes and takes out the garbage and cooks dinner and makes the best quiche I’ve ever tasted. He doesn’t clean though. He doesn’t mop, scrub, scour, do the corners or even come close to cleaning his own toilet bowl. I have no illusions that our brother-husband would do any of those things either. You know what he would do though? Miss the toilet bowl. And leave the seat up. And think that dry paper towel adequately disinfects the kitchen counters. (You’ve gotten much better about using the spray Baby!)

3.  The Sex

Not only do I have absolutely zero interest in having sex with a man other than my husband, I hardly have the energy to have sex with the one I’ve got. While I would love it if someone took the kids for ice cream so we could have an uninterrupted romp, I seriously doubt a brother-husband would be helpful in this way. And, gross.

4. The Sports

I have done everything in my power to be supportive of the insane sports addiction my husband has. I joined two fantasy football leagues. I’m dying to see the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. I love seeing sporting events live. I really try to follow the “if you can’t beat ’em join ’em” philosophy. The problem is, there is never a break. Sports occupy my T.V. All.Year.Long. Football season starts in early September and ends around February. Meanwhile, hockey and basketball seasons start up around October and end in April and June respectively. Before they can completely finish, baseball pops off in April and drags through the entire summer, sometimes until October. Throw in various college playoff games, boxing and a recent and horrifying interest in Nascar, the sports are never ending, and constantly annoying. If we had a brother-husband, he would inevitably take my husband’s side and the other half of the couch and I would be refilling chip bowls and replacing beer bottles all day long for the rest of my life. I would never be able to sneak in an episode of Girls or the Amazing Race ever again. He would also probably take up an interest in Golf, Tennis, Water Polo and Cross Country Skiing just to kill me. (Michael, those were not suggestions.)

5. The Inability To Find Stuff

“Honey, do we have milk?”

“Yes, there’s a whole carton in the fridge.”

(Standing in front of the open refrigerator.) “No, we must be out.”

“Mike, it is brand new. Top shelf, move the sour cream!”

“Hmm… nope.”

“Oh my God!” (I move the sour cream and locate the milk.)

“Oh, yeah. Ha! There it is.”

Repeat with ketchup. Or socks. Or soap. Or diapers. The idea of another husband yelling for me to come find things that are “hiding” in plain sight two inches from his nose makes my eye twitch. I would spend 50% of my time running between them locating their belongings. No thanks.

A brother-husband would do nothing for me. It would basically be like having one of my husband’s boys eating our food (Oh yeah! Think about all of the FOOD!) and taking up space on our couch on a full time basis. I love all of his friends, but there isn’t a single one of them that I would want living with me permanently. (Sorry guys!) No, one husband is plenty. One awesome Him is all this family needs.

Do you have any use for a sister-wife or a brother-husband?