We move back to Michigan in just over 8 weeks. We have a moving company reserved, we have a house to move into, Mike has a job ready and waiting; but there is still so.much.to.do. I feel like we are at that point in planning where there is a ton of stuff that needs to be done, yet nothing that can be done right now. I remember that with wedding planning like it was yesterday. Somewhere between the invitations going out and the walk down the aisle, there was this lull in activity. The centerpieces were done, the caterer was booked, the dress was being altered…there was nothing to do. Yet, there was an avalanche of shit that had to be done in the 72 hours before the ceremony!
Since we are moving to Michigan and not Everything Is Free land, I decided I better take this time to get my resume updated and look for a job. My resume is pretty much fifteen years of optical stuff at a few different offices, just with added responsibilities at each. I’ve never had a hard time finding a job, and don’t foresee it being difficult this time, but I no longer feel like my resume adequately explains my talents. I’ve acquired so many new skills since being a wife and mother that I think I should include them on my new resume. My value has skyrocketed! I’m also too tired to play nice anymore, so I’ve decided to be completely honest about my goals and desires. Here is what I have so far:
Annie M. Yeoman
My House – You really don’t need my address, you aren’t responding by pony express am I right?
Phone: (586)XXX-XXXX – Please don’t call after 8:00. That is when my two year old goes to bed and I can sit down for the first time since being home. (Including on the toilet.)
Las Vegas, NV
Soon to be
Metro Detroit MI
To utilize my
optical experience and skill in a challenging and rewarding environment. I am looking for a long term career with a company that encourages education, advancement, and productivity being happy and friendly to one another. I prefer an office that is drama and asshole free. I would also like it if the terms of employment would not change three seconds after I start working and would greatly appreciate it if my salary reflected my effort, experience, and awesomeness.
- Excellent customer service abilities. I am able to calm fits of rage with nothing more than cookies and creative lies.
- I make delicious coffee and drink a lot of it, so the pot will usually be fresh and hot. I also enjoy eating desserts and will share when I bake.
- Physically capable of lifting and carrying 200 pounds of toddler, infant, car seat, grocery bags, diaper bags, books, sippy cups, and a breast pump.
- Proficient in the art of negotiation, regardless of a language barrier and in the absence of common sense.
- Consistently top sales person in the office. Consistently top saver at home. Frugal and thrifty, I can make do with very little. I have the ability, however, to make others see value in everything I’m trying to sell them.
- Multi-tasking is now my only form of life. I can literally do three things at the same time, all the while thinking about three completely different things.
School of Life
- Marriage – 04/25/2009 – Present – Working on Doctorate of Compromise.
- Trying to Conceive – 04/25/2009 – 04/01/2012 – Bachelors Degree in Patience, Verbal Restraint, and Alcoholic Beverages.
- First Pregnancy – 04/01/20012 – 12/01/20012 – Certificate in Bodily Fluids and Function.
- Second Pregnancy – 03/01/2014 – 11/11/2014 – Associates Degree in Physical Restraint and Speed Labor.
- Parenting – 12/01/2012 – Present – Masters Degrees in the following (some still in process): Psychology, English, Early Childhood Education, Culinary, Pediatric Medicine, Nutrition, Home Economics, Counseling, Music Theatre, Dance, Sleep Theory, Crisis Prevention, Non-Violent Conflict Management, Lactation and Humor.
Center For Sight
The Eyecare Center
Family Focused Eyecare
Simone Eye Center
DOC Focus Four
- Have done everything you can possibly imagine an Optician/Optical Dispenser/ Team Leader/Office Manager/Insurance Biller/ might do. And then some.
- References available.
- Have done everything you can possibly imagine a Human Woman might do to keep someone else happy and alive. And then some.
- References will probably lie.
Dear Potential Employer,
Thank you for considering me for this position. I am extremely excited to become a member of your team and know that you will absolutely love having me work for you. A few notes that I feel are important:
I prefer to work Monday-Thursday from 9:00am to 3:00pm, but be paid for working Monday-Friday from 7:00-7:00.
I would like all holidays off, (obviously paid) including 06/27 National Sunglasses Day and 09/21 the International Day of Peace. If it is on a calendar, I’m going to need it off. You can refer to this site for a complete list.
I do not do after hours hang-outs or continuing education meetings unless they involve wine and only the cool people at the office.
I would like to be able to work from home or bring my children to work with me, since I’m tired of my children being sick constantly and bringing home obnoxious learned behaviors from daycare. I am also tired of pumping. They are very cute children and I’m sure everyone in the office will love them. Truman is obsessed with cleaning equipment and will pretty much vacuum all day long. I can throw Grant in the Moby Wrap and wear him while breastfeeding so he should be no problem at all. Please make sure the employee bathroom has a changing station.
I anxiously await your offer!
Annie M. Yeoman
I think I pretty much have my resume perfected! While I wait for other moving tasks to be ready for handling, I am just going to keep sending this baby out and wait for the job offers to roll in. 8 weeks people! 8 weeks!