I have a whole long story about what happened to me when I took Grant to urgent care over the weekend, but I’m still so angry about it that I don’t really feel like writing it all out right now. Instead, on this glorious Monday, I will write about something happy.
Like the fact that I found and read through a huge folder of journal entries. A bunch were from high school and then there were ten or twelve loose leaf sheets of writing from 2004. If you read the earlier post about my journal, you’ll understand why I’m so excited to have found this old stuff. So, the high school writing was all very dramatic; a lot of crying and pining away for a boy who I wanted to be with so much. I ultimately ended up spending six years of my life with him and when it ended, it ended badly. I don’t care to re-write that stuff because it is annoying and makes me want to choke my teen-age self.
2004, though…2004 was a really exciting, fun time in my life. This was around the time that Mike and I started getting serious, and I was making these huge decisions about where I wanted my life to go, and who I wanted to come with me. My first niece had just been born and I was excited about being an aunt. I was just starting to go out and do things, instead of sitting at home playing house long before I should have been. (You were right Mom!) A lot of what I wrote is about my Mike.
Reading it brought back the butterflies, that amazing “new love” feeling that slowly but surely fades into the background of a relationship over time. After this weekend, I am reminded that I have a truly great man for a husband and I am so very grateful. He may annoy me at times, but when the wheels are flying off the bus and we are all getting ready to crash, he jumps in with both feet and saves me. So, here are a few things I had to say about Michael in 2004…
Things have been very good lately. I have realized lately that not only do I love Michael, I am wildly, crazy, insanely, ridiculously IN love with him. I love little, silly things about him, like his eyelids. His eyelids. Are you kidding me? Or how about the way his brow bone sticks out and then his nose does too, so there’s a really prominent dip between his brows and his nose. (Something I marvel at and love about my sons’ faces as well.) He can be joking and goofy one minute, making fun of me, and a second later, wrap me up in the tightest hug and tell me how much he loves me with more sincerity than anyone ever has. He’s so serious and genuine when he says it, I have no doubt that it is true. There aren’t enough words…I can’t even express how I feel about him. We talked about marriage, and kids and timelines, and the future, and I think we were meant to be together.
…I can’t wait to see him at he end of every day. I love him so much. I can honestly see myself with him forever. I want him to be my husband and the father of my children. It just makes so much sense and everything fits so well…
Imagine ten more pages of mushy, gushy, love-speech and you have my journal from 2004! Super fun for me to read and reminisce about. Also, I think this goes to show you that if I want something, I will get it.
Ha! Honestly though, it really did not take very long for me to know that he was it for me. We have been through a lot in the eleven years we’ve been together. We’ve had really great times; fun, excitement, travel, adventure, and the growth of our family. We’ve had really horrible times; loss of loved ones, loss of employment, lack of money and three years of infertility that felt like ten.
We have had no one but each other to lean on for the better part of our relationship, but I think not having outside influences and opinions has made us a stronger unit.
There have been times that his voice was the last thing on Earth I wanted to hear, and times that it was the only sound I cared if I ever heard again. There have been nights that I have lain in bed bursting with unspoken anger, spilling tears of frustration; and nights that his arms felt like the only safe place left in the world. Through thick and thin, the best of the best and the worst of the worst, he is mine and I am his. I thought I loved him back in ’04… that doesn’t hold a candle to what I feel for him now.