I am deathly afraid of spiders. I know that they have some fantastic role in this world that includes killing other bugs that I am also deathly afraid of, but I just can’t help it. I hate spiders most of all. I hate their creepy-crawliness (yes, it is a word.) I hate their fat bodies and skinny legs. I hate that they have a ton of eyes and sometimes hair. I hate that they can KILL you. Mostly, I hate the surprise factor. Those little bastards never announce their arrival. They pop up out of nowhere when you least expect to make their acquaintance. Under the bathroom rug, when you open the closet door; worst case scenario, when you are lying in bed…Yowza! There it is! I usually scream, swear and then jump, run, or wildly thrash around (if I feel like the spider might be on me.) to get away from it. I’ve gotten surprised so many times that I can’t believe I haven’t sustained serious injury by now. More often than not, it isn’t even an actual spider that gets me. The spider look-alikes do. Like…
1. This thumb-tack. Still pressed into our kitchen wall from Truman’s first birthday party, (Yes, he is over two now. What of it?) this little baby gets me sweating and panicky at least once a week.
2. Dryer lint. Every single day, some rogue piece of dryer lint gives me a mini heart attack.
3. Little hair clips. I have various colors so I have multiple varieties of pseudo-spider freak outs. This one was under my pillow. I took a photo of it for this blog, left the room and it scared me again later on before bed. The same clip. Seriously?
4. Any loose thread. I will rip off a shirt in record time if I feel a tickle that could potentially be spider legs. This loose thread is from a body pillow. God help us all if that thing brushes my leg in bed.
5. Hair bands. This one gets me more often than any other fake spider. They are on my counter top, floor, night stand and bed. The flexibility of the elastic gives the illusion of mobility at times and out of the corner of your eye, it could certainly be a black widow. It could!
6. Ok, so just stay with me here. This is the tip of my cat’s ear. This ear has more than once made me frantically smack the edge of the bed for fear that a large hairy spider is crawling along the side, just ready to pop over the edge of the mattress on to my face. You’d have to lay next to me and see him walk by at just the right angle and distance to really get it, but it honestly is scary.
7. The loose hair tickling my neck. If you ever happen to see me using both hands to slap my own neck while trying to run away from myself, this is why. Don’t be alarmed, I’ll figure it out in a second.
8. A wet price tag. I do not have a photo to accompany this one, but I feel it is worth mentioning. It has only happened once, (thank God) but this situation was one of the worst. I was in the shower and reached into the little rack that hangs over the shower head to get my shampoo. I thought I saw something black fall down in the stream of water, automatically assumed it was a spider and started searching the floor of the shower for it. There was nothing. With a shiver, I assumed it had gone down the drain. I squeezed shampoo into my hand and reached back up to put the shampoo away. That’s when I saw something black out of the corner of my eye – IN MY ARMPIT! I screamed, did an incredibly rapid hand flapping gesture under my arm and thrust my body under the running water praying that the spider would be thrown onto the shower floor. The black thing slid down the length of my body, all the while making me want to set myself on fire, and stopped before it reached the drain. It wasn’t moving at all. I gathered my courage and bent down to get a closer look… it was a price tag. A wet, sticky, price tag from the shampoo, that had turned black from the ink running into the paper after weeks of hanging out in a damp shower. That one took at least fifteen minutes to come down from, and I’m still on guard when I bathe.