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I can’t get this horribly annoying song out of my head from The Mother Goose Club. If you don’t know, The Mother Goose Club consists of overly dramatic tweens dressed in cartoonish costumes singing various children’s songs while dancing badly. The Mother Goose Club videos can be found on YouTube and are used to entertain my two year old in his port-a-crib when he wakes up too early on the weekends. I may have to listen to Driving! Driving in my car, going very far, down the street in my carrrrr! Driving… and other even more nerve-grating tunes, but I do get an extra hour of sleep so it is very, very worth it. In the spirit of the song that won’t leave my brain today and the fact that I had to drive in the rain (in Las Vegas this is a big deal) this past weekend, here is a list of the types of drivers I encounter daily. I’m sure you do to. If you don’t recognize these guys, you are probably one of them.

1. Super Fast, Super Furious

This guy or gal can be seen (and heard) flying down the street (not necessarily a highway,) weaving and swerving in between cars and pedestrians with zero regard to anyone’s safety. They fancy themselves skilled and capable drivers, with no need for a brake pedal. They can also be seen riding the bumpers of cars driving the speed limit or God forbid under the speed limit. On the highway they seem to drive sideways, changing lanes at a moment’s notice, and in inclement weather, they can be found in the ditch, pressed up against a guard rail or embedded in the back end of another vehicle. They are usually young, consider themselves cool, and drive cars that have noticeable dents and scrapes.

2. Sunday Every Day Of The Week

Sunday drivers are out for a leisurely drive, taking in the scenery, and sipping cups of coffee. They actually enjoy driving. The problem with Sunday drivers is that they don’t only come out on Sunday. They are out on Monday morning when you are running late for work. They are out on Saturday night when you are meeting someone for drinks. They are always out! Cruising along at a top speed of twenty-five miles per hour, making slow and deliberate turns with the greatest of ease, and often coming to a complete stop before merging onto the highway; Sunday drivers are usually older, and drive large vehicles that look brand new no matter how old they are. After all, it is hard to dent a car that barely moves.

3. On Guard

These folks take defensive driving to the extreme. They leave thirty car lengths between them and the vehicle in front of them, slam on their brakes every three seconds for any perceived threat, and make wide, sweeping moves while passing another car. They are also guilty of waiting for every moving thing in a five mile radius to pass by or stop before being able to complete a turn. Often times they have babies on board and a sticker to prove it. They drive the speed limit as long as another car isn’t too close to them, and always use proper signals.

4. Distracted

They brake late, swerve around, cut people off and hold up traffic in the left lane. I’m not saying it is definitely because they are looking at their cell phone; I mean, they could be eating, applying make-up or reading a map, but it is highly likely that they are in fact, looking at a cell phone. These are the same people sitting obliviously at green lights and running red ones. Quite possibly the most dangerous people on the road, but always up to the minute on liking your Facebook post!

5. Angry And Not Afraid To Show It

The reason I worry while driving alone with my children, these nut jobs are sadly not at all uncommon. It could be something very minor that sets them off, such as an accidental drift into another lane for a split second, moving over a little too late, or taking too long to turn; there is no wiggle room for an angry driver. They lay on the horn, pull dangerously close to your vehicle and gesture wildly with their hands and arms. Sometimes, insane head banging or silent (to you, over there in a completely separate vehicle where you can’t possibly hear them) screaming can be viewed. In a situation where a driver becomes enraged, you try to create some distance, and pray they don’t have a gun.

6. Invisible

These are my favorite kind of drivers. They seem to think that their car makes them completely invisible to everyone else on the road. They pick their nose, make silly faces in the mirror, smoke weed or sing and dance with zero inhibition. Maybe they are just so focused on driving, that the other stuff just happens subconsciously. They become blissfully unaware that they are in very close proximity to other humans, while sitting in a giant see-through bubble. Regardless of the reasoning, they are wonderfully entertaining and have at times turned me into a #4. Especially at stop lights.

7. Influenced

Drunk, high or both. Sigh… I guess the millions of commercials, warnings in print or the well known consequences just aren’t enough. In my younger years, I’ve been guilty. Thinking about it now makes me shudder and I am so thankful that I never hurt anyone or myself being a total and complete ass hat and getting behind the wheel after too many drinks. All I can do now is ensure that I never, ever, ever drive buzzed again and try my best to ensure that no one I know and love does either. It just isn’t worth it. Besides, my brother in law has been know to take matters into his own hands and chase people down to pull them over, citizens arrest style! He can be a pretty scary guy, and I’m sure there are more like him, so even if you are lucky enough to dodge an accident or an officer, you may not be able to avoid an angry Dad.

I must say I’ve been guilty of each of these at one time or another in my life, (Um, I’ve never truly road-raged anyone, but I have screamed obscenities and thrown my hands around wildly…) but I most often relate to #3, much to my husband’s dismay. Who are you on the road?

 

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