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Today was my first day back to work. I was most worried about the morning chaos, getting everyone dressed and out of the door on time without forgetting half of the necessary gear. This turned out to be no problem at all. (Except for the part when Truman sneezed right into my shoulder, blowing a huge gob of boogers onto my work shirt.) Leaving the kids at daycare turned out to be the hard part. Most people would guess that it would be, but in my head I thought I’d be fine. I haven’t been worrying about the same things I worried about when Truman was first starting at daycare. I know that they aren’t going to starve him or beat him, or let him leave with a stranger. I’ve just been sad for myself about missing out on the funny and adorable things they do all day, rather than actually worrying about how they’ll be taken care of.

I carried Grant in the car seat and held Truman’s hand through the parking lot, listening to him chatter about wha-ter and his bobo. We got to the doors and he slowed down, recognition slowly creeping over his face. We took his stuff to his classroom and came back out to the central gym where all the kids start out before their teachers get there. The director welcomed us back and Truman quietly refused to go into the gym. I hugged and kissed him and had him kiss his brother and told him about how much fun he was going to have today. He reluctantly went through the doors. I headed off to the infant room to nurse Grant and enjoyed the cuddle time, not having to drop him off and rush out the door was a huge relief. He fell asleep nursing and I talked with the teacher for a few minutes. She took him and he was sleeping soundly when I walked out. I was a little sad, but not devastated. I just had to punch the kids in and I was home free, ready to start my day at the office with minimal heart break. I rounded the corner to clock them in…and there he was. Truman’s face lit up like a Christmas tree and he came running right at me. I could read his eyes. “My Mama is here to take me home!” I bent down and scooped him up. Trying to smooth it all out I said, “Ok, give me a big kiss! Mama has to go to work now, and you’re going to have so much fun with your friends!” Yeah, not so much. He looked so hurt and so confused. He said, “No! Mama go-way? Mama go-way? No!” I knew if I turned into a pile of mushy goo at his feet that I would make the situation a million times worse, so I kissed him again, turned him around and placed him back into the central gym room. He threw himself on the floor and I told him I loved him, barely keeping my voice within normal range. The teacher was picking him up as I walked out.

I’m pretty sure the parents that I was passing on the sidewalk thought something horrific had happened to me. I sobbed all the way to the car, drove to McDonald’s for coffee and composed myself while waiting in the drive-thru. I fixed my make-up in the parking lot at work and got myself together enough to look semi-professional when I entered the building. The morning was spent cleaning out my email inbox and figuring out my office since my temporary replacement moved EVERYTHING. It has been a slow day, allowing me to ease back in without sweating, crying or swearing at any one. All in all day one has been good. I just can’t wait to get my little guys into my arms, and I’m hoping for a less painful drop off tomorrow.

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