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Tomorrow I am 36 weeks pregnant. That means:

A. I am officially 9 MONTHS pregnant.

B. One week away from being full term.

C. Exhausted.

D. The size of a house.

E. All of the above.

If you guessed E you are correct! I am also losing patience with everyone around me and feel the urge to say completely rude and inappropriate things to people. I have so far done a good job holding my tongue (Unless you count things I say to other drivers, but I don’t because they can’t hear me. Thank God.) but I’m concerned that time is running out for some unlucky dumb ass who says something stupid to me. I am normally a very patient and kind person but, like I said…E all of the above. Here is a brief list of people who may get a snarky (or worse) comment from me soon.

1. The next person who calls me “Lil Mama.”

I’m not YOUR Mama. I am also more than just someone’s Mama. Putting Lil in front of Mama doesn’t make me believe that you think I’m a tiny delicate mama bunny or something, it just makes it sound like you are finding a semi-polite alternative for “Gigantic Mama.” Kindly shut up or I might start calling you cute names like “Sweetie Dimple Butt.” or “Poppa Man Boobies.”

2. My co-worker who stalks me.

I seriously can’t leave my office without her tracking me down. Instead of asking a patient to have a seat and I’ll be right with them, she calls my cell phone or texts me to find out where I am and when I’ll be back. I don’t even have my cell phone with me while I’m peeing and I don’t feel like I should have to wear a tracking device around the office. I’m never away for more than five minutes. I might make a huge wooden bathroom pass like we had in elementary school and let her be the keeper of it. Then I could ask her for it every thirty minutes when I have to pee. She’d probably like it.

3. People who keep using stupid non-words.

“Adorbs” “Jelly” “Ratchet” Just stop it. Stop it right now. Adorable is not a difficult word, it doesn’t need to be shortened. Jelly is spread on toast, jealous is a whole different ball game. I don’t even know what to say about ratchet, but where did it come from? Can it go back there? Also, please do not say LOL or OMG out loud. You may type it, text it, or write it because that is the whole purpose of an acronym, but when we’re just talking the old fashioned way, I prefer to hear you say, “Oh my God” (Gosh, Goodness, Holy Shit) or actually hear you laugh out loud! (Sorry, I’m probably just being a bitch.)

4. People who insist on pushing their religious beliefs on other people.

I read (as I’m sure you all have) the story about the beautiful and courageous young woman who has chosen to end her life instead of dying a slow and painful death from stage four brain cancer. Reading the comments from some people has my blood boiling. “Only God can choose when we die. Suicide is a sin and she will burn in Hell.” WHAT?!?!? What kind of person says something like that? First of all, maybe she doesn’t share your religious beliefs so she probably doesn’t need your style of judgment. Secondly, how do you know? Seriously, aside from your “belief” that God is one way or another, how do you really freaking know? You don’t. You know no more than I do or anyone else does. Other religions contradict your religion in a million different ways, so maybe you’re actually the one going to hell for something Judgey-McJudgerson. Maybe my God says that when you post cruel and horrific comments against a terminally ill woman who I am sure hasn’t made this decision lightly, and is enduring suffering you can’t even imagine, you automatically burn in Hell yourself. Yeah, my God says that. Now what?

5. People blaming Obama for everything.

I’m not angry with people blaming our government for actual problems with our government. There are a whole lot of issues happening around the country and it is pretty obvious we have a whole bunch of people in office who have their heads in their asses. We can all agree on this. You know what? It has been this way FOREVER. As long as I can remember people have hated the president. People hated Bush, Clinton, GW and now Obama. This is nothing new guys. What is new is blaming the president for things that have NOTHING to do with the president, or things that he is not even remotely close to being solely responsible for. Read the comments on any news article – ANY ARTICLE – and you will find a group of people pointing a finger at Obama. Iraq? Never a problem until Obama was in office. ISIS? Strictly Obama’s fault. School shootings? It is NOT the fault of a psycho with a gun, it is Obama! Police shooting unarmed kids? OBAMA! You gained 20 pounds this year? Damn you Obama! Patients in my office blame their wait time on Obama. Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzai win a Nobel Peace Prize, and according to some it means nothing because Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize so the entire award has been tainted. A Detroit cop steals a watch off of a murder victim. Comment: It was a German made watch with a picture of De Fuhrer on it…you know, the one in D.C. Really? Obama = Hitler now? Can we just stop it please? It’s old. Soon, there will be a new president to hate, and we can blame all of our problems on him (or her.)

So, I’m sure I’ll have a whole new set of things to complain about tomorrow, but for today…these are the biggest offenders. I hope everyone stays safe around me for the next few weeks, I’m still going to try hard to smile and nod instead of ripping someone a new one, but I can’t promise anything. I’M 9 MONTHS PREGNANT PEOPLE!

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