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You may have read about my pregnancy brain and the embarrassing incident in which I peed in the men’s room at breakfast. Well, I am here to update and let you all know that it is NOT getting better, it is in fact getting worse. Last week I walked around my office for God only knows how long with the entire back side of my pants ripped. A tear from the inside seam across the bottom of my right butt cheek all the way to the outside seam, and I NEVER EVEN NOTICED. My co-worker told me the unfortunate news. She was probably the 700th person to have seen my dimply thigh and the only one kind enough to clue me in. So, I had to wait for new pants from my darling husband who thankfully gets out of work earler than I and was able to save me. I have since been ultra aware of my backside and stop to check for blow-outs in the mirror. I also invested in a stretchy skirt and a stretchy dress instead of Docker-style pants with no stretch, which I have obviously grown beyond. At almost 32 weeks pregnant, I am officially enormous and you know what? I don’t even care.
Anyway, this morning I got up a little early and made my Love a smoothie for breakfast. He has been wanting to jump aboard the smoothie train for awhile and I agreed to be his blender bitch queen. I made him a banana, orange, yogurt and chia seed smoothie and I tasted it to make sure it was perfect. I fell in love and decided that I would make one for myself before I left for work. I dropped him off at his office, went home, snuggled with Truman for a few minutes and got up to get ready. I couldn’t concentrate. The damn smoothie was plaguing my mind! I decided to make one right away and drink it while I got ready. I added strawberries to mine and it was amazing! I drank it while I got dressed and did my hair. (By doing my hair I mean brushing it and putting it back into a horrid looking braid, because I don’t have the energy to try to look nice anymore.) I drank it in between getting Truman dressed and packing our bags. I finished it just as we were walking out the door. I put my glass in the sink, locked up the dog and we were off! My belly was happy and filled with smoothie deliciousness. I dropped Truman off and talked with his teacher for a few minutes then headed off to work. I realized that my smoothie had chia seeds in it and decided I had better check my teeth. Yup, there they were, packed full of lovely little black seeds. I can only imagine what Miss Mary had thought as I laughed and talked with her! It was at that moment that I also realized I hadn’t even BRUSHED  my teeth before leaving the house! I was so enamored with the Mother F’ing smoothie that I neglected to brush my teeth! So, now I am stuck in my office, making sure I don’t breathe too deeply and keeping a good distance from people I’m talking to. I am painfully aware that my teeth feel fuzzy and I can’t wait for lunch so I can go home and brush my chompers. I am officially a mess. I feel like I should start leaving sticky notes around my house with basic instructions for life on them.
Hey! Are you wearing shoes?
Brush your teeth!
Take a shower!
Did you lock the door?
Are your pants on backward?
There are more important things in life than your next meal… Where is your son?
Someone help me. Eight and a half more weeks before pregnancy brain turns to Mommy brain. I hope we all survive.