If you are anything like me, you excitedly checked online every single week of your pregnancy to see what to expect for yourself and your baby. Sometimes there would be nice information about the baby’s size (even though they use fruits and vegetables for comparison…who decided on that?) and other times the site would tell you what you may be feeling. All of it is written very nicely, sugar coating the real truths of what pregnancy is actually like. My forty weeks really never seems to be on track with the baby websites though… (Nothing I am going to say should be taken as medical advice, or an exact interpretation of what you will go through. It is just my pregnancy experience. Yours may be roses and rainbows and you may never pee your pants.)
Week 1: Ugh period. I hate you. Cramps, chocolate, Midol, and the remote please.
Week 2: Whew! I’m back! Survived another one! Wine!
Week 3: Hey…How you doin’? How did I get such a gorgeous man? Rawr!
Week 4: Ugh, that period whore is coming back. I feel bloated. And tired, and bitchy…and my boobs kind of hurt…
Week 5: Hmmm… she’s late. I’m not spending $15.00 on a pregnancy test. Off to the dollar store I go…TWO PINK LINES?!?!?!? No way!!!!!
Week 6: I wonder what’s going on in there. Oh, God…I feel crampy. Better go to the bathroom again. For the fortieth time today. Whew! Still no bleeding.
Week 7: Should we tell everyone? Should we wait until after the appointment? Maybe just my Mom. And your Mom. And our siblings. And our close friends, but we won’t make it Facebook official. Oh God…I feel crampy. Better go to the bathroom again.
Week 8: I can’t believe I feel so great! Wait, what is that smell? Chicken? (vomit, vomit, vomit) Ugh, now I have to brush my teeth. (vomit, vomit, vomit)
Week 9: What a horribly boring doctor’s appointment. Oh, I’m starving…wait…(vomit, vomit, vomit) Yup, still hungry.
Week 10: Oh, my pants feel a little tight. I just want to sleep! Wait…(vomit)
Week 11: I’m hungry. Oh look! The baby is over an inch long! Ouch! What is that burning stomach pain? Google says round ligament stretching? WTF?
Week 12: Almost out of the first trimester! Can’t wait to tell the world I’m having the most perfect child ever created. S/He’ll be way cuter than that kid. And better behaved than that one…I need a nap.
Week 13: Heeellllooo second trimester! I should feel a lot better now…wait…(vomit, vomit, vomit) Well, at least everyone is so excited for us. Off to the ultrasound! Yup, I was right. Cutest baby ever.
Week 14: I’m hungry. I wish my belly was round, I just look fat. (I’m thinking this baby is a girl.) Ouch! Damn, I rolled over too fast. Stupid round ligaments.
Week 15: I’m telling everyone I meet that I’m pregnant so they don’t just think I’m fat and burp a lot. I think I feel little movements. (I’m sure this baby is a boy.)
Week 16: Yahoo! I only threw up once today! (Though I did pee my pants at the same time, but no one needs to know about that.)
Week 17: Oh, I’m so glad I’m not throwing up anymore. This heart burn may be worse. Is that the baby moving or do I have to fart? (I bet this girl has a lot of hair!)
Week 18: I think I have to wear maternity clothes! People can finally see my belly. I have an excuse to look fat! (I’m carrying pretty low…I’m sure this baby is a boy.)
Week 19: I can’t stop wondering if the baby is a boy or girl! What if they aren’t able to tell me at my appointment next week? That’s fine, I like surprises. What is this kid’s name going to be?
Week 20: It’s a Boy! His little penis was just right out there for all to see! He’s perfect. We are half way there! Thankfully, we have a name.
Week 21: I’m hungry. No, I do not want pizza! Or chicken…or tacos…or salad…I’m starving! What the hell is wrong with my skin?
Week 22: Wow, this baby is flipping all over the place in there! I am not an all night bouncy house kid. Calm down! Why do I have hair growing on my face?
Week 23: I feel so amazing! I am a sacred vessel. Look at how beautiful I am.
Week 24: We’ve reached viability! If the baby was born right now, there is a chance he’d survive. Oh God, don’t let him be born right now. That would be awful. I better Google preterm labor symptoms.
Week 25: Look at how adorable I look! Well, at least my belly. My hair and skin are weird and I keep sweating from this heartburn. My belly is cute though.
Week 26: Oh, these pants feel tight. What happened? I had so much room in here before…
Week 27: I swear this kid is trying to bust out of here. Is that a head or a butt jammed into my ribs? Is he punching my cervix? What is going on in there?
Week 28: Third Trimester! I’m in the homestretch! I’m tired. My hips hurt. My back hurts. Was that a contraction?
Week 29: Why did I just throw up (and simultaneously pee my pants) just now? I thought I left all that behind 13 weeks ago?
Week 30: My belly is bordering on not cute. Is that a stretch mark? I may have to buy bigger maternity clothes.
Week 31: Contraction! Oh, I’m huge. And hot. Is it bedtime yet? Hey…my boob is leaking.
Week 32: Is that an elbow or a knee? I have to pee. I better get some breast pads. Holy crap! Look at the size of my feet! No more high heels for awhile.
Week 33: I’m hungry but I can’t eat. I feel like this kid is jammed into my rib cage, yet somehow squeezing my bladder. He’s a magician!
Week 34: I wish I could sleep for more than two hours straight. Maybe I should just wear a diaper and sleep through pee breaks. I’m sure my husband will love that. Baby feels so big!
Week 35: I better write my birth plan. What if he comes early. I’ll be full term in two weeks! I wonder if he weighs ten pounds. He feels like he weighs ten pounds.
Week 36: Ugh, I hate walking. I feel like he’s going to fall out and my hips hurt. It hurts to breathe. I know he’s supposed to move down soon, but to where? I have to pee again.
Week 37: If I go into labor they won’t stop me. No, I’m not ready yet. I better clean the house. I wonder if we should paint. Maybe rearrange the furniture? Should I re-wash the baby clothes? They’ve been sitting in the drawers for a week and they are probably dusty now. No, I think I’ll take a nap.
Week 38: How do people have twins? Or triplets?!?!? Oh this belly…so itchy, and so huge. I should do my belly cast. Oh! Maternity photos! I need maternity photos! Wait…(vomit) Pee break.
Week 39: I’m pretty sure I’m sitting on my baby’s head. That cannot be safe. What else can I do around this house? Everything is clean, put away, painted, assembled…I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I can breathe but now I might as well just stay on the toilet.
Week 40: I’m here! I made it! We are at the finish line! Ok, baby come right now!
Week 41: Seriously…baby? Can you hear me? Come out…please.
LABOR! This isn’t so bad…Oh Dear God…What do you mean I’m only four centimeters…what do you mean DON’T PUSH…ooooohhhhhhh…
Oh, I was so right. He is the most perfect human ever born. I was wrong about how much I love him though. That was not even imaginable until now.