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Lately Truman has really been developing a sense of what he likes and what he dislikes. He is speaking more often and more forcefully and what he cannot express in words he manages to get across by screaming, crying or throwing things. Every day I learn something new about what is important to him. Some things change minute to minute, but some things are important ALWAYS. Here’s a short list of the latest and greatest.
1. The color of his dishes and utensils MUST remain the same throughout the duration of the meal. There is no switching forks when one ends up on the floor and the dog runs off with it. You track that red fork down and you wash it. He has no use for the clean blue one immediately available. If the yellow bowl has cooled food and the green bowl has hot food, you cannot just swap them when the yellow bowl is empty and the green is cooled. Scrape the contents of the green into the yellow. You start with yellow, you finish with yellow. What are you some kind of fool?
2. Bath time has no end. Just because the body and hair have been washed and the toys have been played with and the adult is exhausted from preventing drowning, doesn’t mean bath time is over. Oh, by the way, standing up in the slippery tub is the only way to have fun in the bath, so stop being lame and worrying about cracked skulls. Constantly being told to sit down and being made to sit down is ruining bath time for the poor child! When the water is drained, the screaming begins. And the throwing of bath toys. And this is why we mostly shower.
3. Don’t just take the sippy cup away to be filled. If it leaves his sight, it will NEVER come back again and if it does, he will no longer want it. Oh, he will still cry and scream about you taking it but he’ll slap it across the room and not drink out of it  to punish you. A better method is bringing the water to him, and letting him watch you fill the cup. Then he knows what is happening to the cup at all times. God only knows what you do to it in the kitchen when he isn’t there to supervise.
4. A book can only be read for thirty seconds at a time, then it has to be carried away, stood on, put in the toy box or left in the corner. An hour later it will be carried back to you and has to be read immediately. For thirty more seconds.
5. Belly buttons and nipples should be in plain sight at all times. The grocery store included. Any attempt at covering a belly button or nipple will be met with extreme dissatisfaction and may result in whining and shirt grabbing. This goes mostly for Mommy but may apply to the toddler as well, just depends on if he’s feeling bashful or not. Regardless, if he wants to see your belly button, you better show him…or else.
6. All mucus membranes are free for exploration, regardless of who they belong to. He wants to pick his nose, your nose, feel your ear canal, jab his eyes, feel your molars. None of this should be met with anything other than joy and complete acceptance. If you don’t like your eye jabbed by a dirty, long nailed little finger, you must be a complete asshole.
7. Let’s Go! Like, immediately when we wake up. Go! Go! Go! No need for clothes, shoes or brushed teeth, LET’S GO!
8. If it has buttons or a screen and IS NOT brightly colored he wants it. Remote controls, phones, computers, headphones – all his kind of thing. Never mind that the house is packed full of toys that talk and sing and move and light up, he wants the remote to the Blu Ray Player. The small one that is delicate and thin. The one least likely to withstand being smashed against ceramic tile. That’s the only acceptable form of entertainment in this God forsaken house.
9. Pulling wipes out of the package is helping. You can never have enough either. Please don’t say, “Ok, all done!” and close the package, there are still more in there, he can feel them. They must come out! Something else needs to be wiped! Pleeeaaassseeee!!!!!!
10. Where there is music, there must be dancing. Unrestricted, free-flowing dance. Whether it is three notes on a commercial or a ringtone in the grocery store, head banging and booty shaking is about to go down. All limbs need to be available for swinging, clapping and stomping, so watch out!
One and a half is ah-mazing. I’m pretty jealous of him most of the time. How weird is your kid?
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