I truly thought that by 36 I would know what I wanted out of life and would be focusing on achieving very specific goals. Instead, as time goes on I feel less and less sure of my purpose, my goals are all over the place and I can’t shake the notion that time is running out. I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I am doing most of the time, which prevents me from doing much of anything at all… and then I worry even more about what I am not doing! I feel like the most inconsistent person in the world, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I want to be spontaneous. I want to come home after work and tell my boys to grab their shoes, hop in their seats and then drive until we find a beach or a meadow or a mountain. I want to explore until dark and not worry about bedtimes or messes or getting lost.
I love a plan. I research everything. I like to know where I am going and exactly how to get there. I want reservations, tickets, parking passes and directions to be prepaid, printed out and ready in hand when I leave for my destination. I love an itinerary and when things run on schedule. Lists are life.
I want four children. Just one more baby to make my heart and our family complete. I want to spend every waking moment engrossed in my children and their hobbies and learning processes. I want to marvel over baby toes, and sticky little hands, and sweet lispy language attempts. I want to laugh about crayoned walls and spaghetti faces. I want to calmly help clean up the cornstarch dumped behind the couch. I want to nurse babies and snuggle them all night. I want to give sink baths and take monthly photos documenting those amazing changes in the first year. I want to forever feel the tight grasp of pudgy arms around my neck and hear “Mama, I wub you.” I want to enjoy that beautiful round pregnant belly and experience the amazing rush of childbirth just once more.
I want calm and quiet and alone time. I want time for my hobbies and silence to process my thoughts. I want a clean house with a place for everything and everything in it’s place. I want a full night’s sleep and time to have my toenails done. I want my body to myself. I want to wear a dress without worrying about how I’ll breastfeed in it. I want to be free from car seats and Mother Goose Club and bouncy seats. I want to pee alone.
I want to be daring. I want to walk into a salon and tell the stylist to cut off all of my hair and dye it some vibrant shade of purple. I want to pierce some part of my face and get a tattoo. I want to embrace opportunities without worrying about the possible outcomes.
I love my hair long, medium brown, with blonde highlights, that’s as wild as I want to go. I want to be able to put it up if need be. I like that I am one of the few people I know without tattoos or piercings and I cannot imagine something I would have tattooed on me that I wouldn’t tire of in a few years.
I want to work out and lose weight. I want to feel good about my body and eat a clean organic diet. I want to wake up at 5:00 am to go for a jog and see definition in my arms. I want to be thin and tan and for people to not believe my age or the number of kids I have.
I want to eat pizza and ice cream and drink wine. I want to sleep in and enjoy lounging instead of moving all of the time. I want to be comfortable with my body no matter my size. I want to not give a shit about what other people think about how I look in a bathing suit.
I want to be proactive. I want to tear out the cupboards and counter in my kitchen and reconstruct the whole area. I want to sweat and labor. I want to build and learn as I go instead of worrying about doing everything perfectly.
I love when I feel confident in my abilities. I like to research a project thoroughly before diving in and know that it will turn out beautifully. The idea of wasting time and money on a project that may result in disaster sickens me. I only want to stand back and admire perfection.
I want to be cultured. I want to enter a restaurant with cuisine I would never think of trying and order without really knowing what I am ordering. I want to sample sauces and spices and dishes and not care if I like it.
I love having a great dining experience. Since I don’t get to go out often, I want to make sure I love what I eat when I do go out. I want to feel satisfied and comfortable when I leave and not regret spending a lot of money on an unenjoyable meal.
I want to live freely. I want to sleep under the stars and grow my own food and raise livestock. I want to fish and hunt and farm. I want honeybees and chickens and a cow. I want my hands and bare feet buried in the dirt. I want to smell like hay and sunshine.
I love convenience. I love meal planning and having exactly what I need on hand. I am so afraid of bugs, and I do not know if I have it in me to butcher a creature I have watched grow. I have so little free time to dedicate to animals and limited space to house them.
I want to create. I want to build furniture and throw pottery. I want to sew quilts and crochet mittens, hats, and blankets. I want to paint and sketch and draw.
I have so little free time.
I want to make music. I want to sing and write lyrics and play instruments. I want to pour my heart onto paper and turn poetry into song.
I have so little free time.
I want to write. I love blogging but I want to write books. I want to bring life to characters that readers will wish truly existed.
I have so little free time.
I want to have friends. I want to have lunch dates and book clubs and girls nights out. I want to do weekends away and have BBQs with other families. I want to have joint family vacations and go trick or treating together. I want to chat on the phone and stay up late giggling with a best girl friend.
I want to stay home. I want to spend every spare moment with my husband and kids without anyone intruding on our private time. I want to create this family bubble that no one can permeate. I don’t want to share our vacation and holiday time with anyone else because those moments are so precious and so rare. My husband is my best friend and he’s enough for me.
I want my sons to live fearlessly. I want them to trust humanity. I want them to embrace every opportunity for growth, change and travel that presents itself. I want them to feel confident in their abilities and to trust their instincts. I want to let them go and just know they will soar. I want them to embrace failure as well as success.
I want my sons to be careful. I have severe anxiety about them getting hurt or sick. I worry about broken bones, cuts, head injuries, infections, reactions, breathing problems, and neurological disorders. I worry about predators and negative influences. Drug addiction, car accidents, and drowning. I worry about their emotional and mental stability. I want to shield them from harm, protect them from the world’s evil, and hide them from danger. I don’t want them to struggle.
And so… if I seem distracted or frustrated…this is why. These thoughts are on a constant loop playing in my mind. If I contradict myself from time to time and confuse you… this is why. I am a living, breathing, walking, and talking contradiction. I confuse myself. I take peace only in knowing that I cannot be the only one… Right?